White Rabbit (goblets_fourth) wrote in rurounisues,
White Rabbit

The only thing worse than a Mary-sue...TWIN Mary-sues!

Story Or Series Title: Two girls and Kaoru's Challenge
Fandom: Rurouni Kenshin
Culprit Author's Name: Minkomo
Full Name (plus titles if any): Haruko/Ruku and Hikari/Riko
Full Species(es): Bubblious Bimbo of the Lyke kickass chik phlya
Hair Color (include adjectives): brown
Eye Color (include adjectives): not specified
Unusual Markings/Colorations: N/A
Special Possessions (if any): Sakabatous! Grr...as if they're just so common any douche bag can pick them up in a market. Sheesh.
Annoying Origin: The demented mind of a fanbrat
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Well one's falling in lurve with Kenshin, the other with Sano. Double Whammy. And they're taking kendo from Kaoru, yet somehow can match Kenshin in a fight.
Annoying Special Abilities: stealing things, fighting, ability to brush off life-threatening injuries because "oh, I've been in a lot of fights.."
Other Annoying Traits: affinity for collecting jewlery for no reason, having one-liner flashbacks about, annoying jealous lover who comes back to cause havoc for Sano, who actually morphed into a particularly slow schoolboy. Oh, and the annoying trait of speaking in questionably spelled fangirl NiHoNgO!!11! Inability to discern between the Sue twins names.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Haruko still couldn’t believe that Sanosuke might like her. (What is she, in seventh grade?) She walked in a daze to the breakfast table. Hikari was already there, she had passed Haruko a while back. Hikari took a bite of the food and made a grossed out face.

Whoever cooked this is really bad.’ She thought. (Gee, I wonder who it could be? Why is it that Suethors ALWAYS make references to Kaoru's bad cooking, just to make sure THEIR Sue seems that much more pefect? Oh...right.)

“How do you like it, Hikari? I made it myself.” Kaoru said. Hikari sweat drooped.

“Well…” Hikari could see Kaoru’s eyes sparkle with delight. “I really think you need to take cooking lessons.”

Kaoru slumped and looked at Hikari. Her eyes were filled with determination.

“Can you teach me?”

Hikari looked at everyone. They also wanted Hikari to teach Kaoru how to cook. She sighed.

“I’ll teach you as soon as I get better.”

“Yippee…!” Kaoru jumped up and down with joy. Hikari slowly moved away from Kaoru.

I’m scared of her.’ Hikari thought. (Maybe because you mutililated her character so bad, she makes Frankenstine look like a Levi's model.)

Haruko wasn’t paying attention to what was happening. She was still shocked. Kaoru finally sat down and everyone finished breakfast.

“Kenshin, can you go get more medicine for Hikari’s wounds?” Kaoru asked.

“Of course…”

“Let me come too.” Hikari insisted. “I need to go for a walk and get out of here.”

“Sure.” Kenshin said.

Hikari and Kenshin put their shoes on and left. They walked in town. It wasn’t as crowded as usual. Hikari saw a shop that sold necklaces.

“Kenshin, do you mind if I look in there while you get the medicine?”

“This one does not mind. I’ll see you in a little while.”

Kenshin left and Hikari went inside. She saw lots of necklaces she liked, but there was one that really caught her eye. She saw a necklace that had a sword through a circle. She thought it was really beautiful. She took it down and looked at it really hard. She also saw that it had writing, but it was really small.

“Kawaii..!” (Fangirl Japanese....erk..)

“I see that you like that.” A voice came from behind her. Hikari turned around to see an older man. He had brown hair and he wore a silver and green kimono.

“Hai… I do.”

“That is the last of those kinds I have. I’ll give it to you for 100 cens.” (And proof that this little fanbrat has NO effing clue WHAT she's talking about. Cens?)

“I’ll take it.”

Hikari paid for it and walked out of the shop. She put it on as she was walking to find Kenshin. She knew Kenshin would’ve come to the shop, but she didn’t feel like waiting. As she walked on, she found some people surrounding a girl. She walked over to them. (Heeeeere I come to save the daaaaaay! And prove how kickass and righteous I am at the same time! *fangirl giggle*)

“Give us all your money.”

“Leave me alone.” As Hikari got closer, she saw that the girl was about her age. She had red hair and a black and yellow kimono on. (Okay, seriously, what is with describing everyone's kimono at every second possible?)

“It’s not nice picking on girls.” Hikari said. The men turned around. (It's not nice when you have dismal understanding of the English language and yet you still try to insert OTHER languages into your "stories.")

“Don’t tell us what to do, wench.” (What a classic reply from a stand-in thug.)

“It’s not nice to pick on them.” Hikari added. The men got furious. (That is TRUELY maddening.) One at a time, they came at her. Each of them fell to the ground. (Come on man, even THUGS know that when you've got numbers, you attack all at once! That's why they have thug groups! And thug conventions!)

“Doomo arigato gozaimasu.” The girl said.

“Doo itashimashite...” (Stop it now or I WILL hacksaw you!)

“I didn’t know what to do. As thanks, I’ll give you this.”

The girl held out a silver charm. It had two birds in it and it looked like it was made of gold. Hikari took it and looked at it. She was amazed at it. She looked back up to find the girl was gone. She took off her necklace and put the charm on it. Kenshin then came running up. (See what I mean? Strange affinity for collecting random jewlery. Oh whyyy?)

“Are you alright?”


Hikari took a step near Kenshin and collapsed, having Kenshin catch her. He looked at her and saw that she was pail. (Like a bucket?) He felt her head and it was burning up. He carried her back to the dojo. Kenshin entered the dojo and Haruko came running out.

“What happened…?”

“She’s sick. This one does not know why, though.”

Hikari was taken into her room and left there to sleep for a while. Haruko went into the room and put a cold cloth on Hikari’s head. She was worried about her. The last time Hikari got sick, she almost died. (...gasp.)Haruko was going to do everything she could to keep Hikari from almost dieing again. (So she didn't ALMOST die the first time, she DID die, and now she has to be stopped from dying AGAIN. Wow this sure makes sense!) She was going to go to Hokkaido and get some medicine from their doctor there. (Dude, I'm pretty positive you can get medicine in Tokyo. In fact, isn't that exactly what Kenshin was JUST doing?) She knew it was going to take a while, but she was prepared for it. She left the room and went over to Kaoru.

“I’m going to go get some medicine from Hokkaido.”

“That’s a long way. Are you sure you want to do that?” Kaoru asked. (A long way? Try across an ocean, for one!)

“Hai… There’s medicine there that might make Hikari feel better, I want to get it.”

“Alright… We’ll see you later then.” (See you LATER? Like, oh, in a couple hours. As if it doesn't take weeks to travel to Hokkaido. And a boat, too...Fer chrissake, Google a map of Japan!)

Haruko nodded and went to pack some cloths. Sanosuke came into their room.

“It’s not safe for you to go by yourself.”

“Leave me alone please. I have to get that medicine.”

“Fine… but I’m still coming with you.” Haruko looked at Sanosuke. “What if you got hurt? No one would know what happened to you.”

“Okay… but you got to keep up with me.” (Oh, I get it now. At the beginning we had a nifty excuse for Kenshin and Hikari to be together, now it's Sano and Hikaru's turn. I mean Hikaru. Er, Hotaru? Hatsumi?...)

Sanosuke chuckled and got his things. They left by mid afternoon. Hikari woke up and sat up, looking around the room. She didn’t see Haruko anywhere. She left her room and went over to Kaoru.

“Kaoru-chan, where’s Haruko?”

“She went to get medicine for you from Hokkaido.”

“Why..? I’m not sick anymore.”

Kaoru got up and felt her head. Hikari’s head felt the same temperature.

“Your right...” (Your right what? Temperal lobe? Didn't anyone teach you about the difference between POSSESIVE words and CONTRACTIONS?)

“I think it’s better to let them go.” Kenshin said, “They’ve probably already to far for you to catch up to them.” (Oh sure, let's just let them travel ALL the way up to Hokkaido, which will only take, oh, a few weeks, and waste all that time and money on trying to get medicine, which actually probably could have been bought down the road, even though you're PERFECTLY fine and there was no reason to go ANYWHERE and we're just too frickin lazy to try and catch up with them? Could you possibly find a MORE flimsy plot device?)


“Yeah… Sanosuke went with her.”

Hikari shrugged and sat down next to Kaoru. She felt better. She was probably able to teach Kaoru cooking tomorrow.

“That charm is beautiful. It looks like real gold. Where did you get it?” Kaoru asked.

“I got this charm for helping someone out. I was going to thank her, but when I looked up, she was gone.”

“That’s weird.”

“No one could just disappear like that.” Yahiko said, “They probably left as you looked at it.”

“Probably, but it still was weird. I don’t know how they would leave without me knowing.”
(What I think I found it...the random, disappearing THIRD Sue. As if two weren't enough. I knew something was up when you described that girl's kimono! And her goddamn red hair...What a truely magnificent attempt at mystery and intrigue. "Oh, it was weird, she left when I wasn't paying attention."..oooh...what could that possibly MEAN?)

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