Irvy, called Taokaka (duokinneas) wrote in rurounisues,
Irvy, called Taokaka

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Someone please tell me that I can report this for a violation. It burns...

Story Or Series Title: Life As An Assassin. Points for spelling "assassin" correctly. Points taken away again for capitalizing "as" and "an" in the middle of a title.
Fandom: Rurouni Kenshin
Culprit Author's Name: animefreak973. Excessive use of numbers - in my experience, that is - signifies...let's just say "lesser quality" work. Either that, or simple penname laziness.
Full Name (plus titles if any): We've got more than one! First is Naomi Shinomori, followed by Phoenix Reed, Neko Yukikuro, Myishi - "(I know, I’ve used him before, but I need to use him again cuz I can’t think of other names)" - and Ivan Maysler.
Full Species(es): ... Too many to keep track of here. My brain's this close to exploding.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Ivan's is "golden;" Naomi's is "chestnut brown."
Eye Color (include adjectives): Neko: "emotionless black eyes" and "ink-black eyes;" Naomi: "Her eyes flashed, changing from the dark green color to a dark red color;" Ivan: "hazel."
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Like Naomi's eye color isn't awful enough? Ugh.
Special Possessions (if any): Where to start? Neko has "black boots, where a dagger was hidden," as well as a "usual assassin uniform" described in an author's note; Naomi also has a dagger hidden in her boots, and a uniform described in an even more ridiculous author's note; Phoenix has "her battle uniform(red ninja outfit, normal looking ninja outfit)," sai with an author's note of their own, and "Scorched Blossoms."
Annoying Origin: Naomi supposedly comes from Tokyo. I say that every single one of them is from the bowels of hell.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: They want to kill Kenshin, Aoshi, and Misao, apparently for no reason whatsoever aside from their skills.
Annoying Special Abilities: They're a troop of assassins. What more do you need?
Other Annoying Traits: Phoenix is "2/3 vampire," yet she can turn into - you guessed it - a phoenix. One word: how? Neko is also able to insult her boss constantly and not get in any trouble. But then again, he's a Stu, so it's not like normal rules of behavior apply to him.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story: I'll be nice; I won't force the whole thing down your throats, no matter how awful it is. All formatting and errors are, of course, hers. All background gagging and vomiting noises are mine.

“Well, Tokyo isn’t THAT far, right?” Phoenix asked. “I mean, Ivan is going to be near, right?”
Naomi sighed. “Yes, Phoenix, Ivan is going to be near.” She rolled her eyes. “Why do you worry so much? Whenever you’re in trouble, Ivan ALWAYS saves you.”
“Not ALWAYS.” Phoenix frowned. “Besides, can’t a girl have a favorite bodyguard?”
Naomi chuckled. “Well, he’s not just a FAVORITE, someone happens to have a MAJOR crush on their bodyguard. Hint, hint.” She pointed at Phoenix.
“Hey!” Phoenix was beet red.
“Tokyo is only 2 more miles away.” Neko, who was leading, informed.
“ONLY?!” Phoenix exclaimed. “Neko, 2 miles is a long way, let me remind you, when you are WALKING!”“Hey, majority wins. Too bad for you, Naomi agreed with me.” Neko said breezily.
“Whatever.” Phoenix muttered.
Naomi was looking up at the Sakura trees. They’re so beautiful and so...familiar...
“I smell a mortal’s blood.” Phoenix, who was 2/3 vampire, sniffed. “It smells strange...different.” She changed into a phoenix and flew off to investigate.
Neko lifted her head up. “I sense a very strong warrior’s ki.” She glanced on both sides. There was a sudden blur, and she was gone.
Naomi stopped and sat down on the ground, leaning her back against the tree.
“I’m guessing that we are stopping because Neko has gone off searching.”
Naomi didn’t have to look to know who that was. “Right you are, Ivan.” She sighed. Ivan Maysler was Phoenix’s bodyguard(also her crush). He had golden hair and hazel eyes...a full mortal, just like Naomi.
Ivan sat down next to Naomi, who scooted away a little. “Phoenix is gone, too...” He whispered, leaning into Naomi’s face. All he wanted to do was kiss her...
Naomi, her mouth in a thin line, instantly grabbed the hidden dagger in her boot. “Back off!” She seethed, holding the dagger dangerously close to Ivan’s neck. Her eyes flashed, changing from the dark green color to a dark red color.
Ivan gasped. Naomi was turning into Bloody Maiden, her well-known assassin name(A/N: you know, like Kenshin’s ‘Battousai’). He slowly moved back.
There was a quick breeze, followed by another. Naomi put the dagger back in her boot and stood, pulling her mask up, leaving only her eyes exposed.
Phoenix appeared next to her. “It’s one of the three people we have to find. Neko’s – “
“After him.” Naomi finished for her. “I know.”
Phoenix nodded. She finally noticed Ivan. Her face brightened. “Ivan! What are you doing here?”
Naomi glared at Phoenix. “We have to catch him.” She jumped up into a tree in the forest and jumped from tree to tree, trying to spot any blurs in the air.
After a while of jumping, she finally spotted Neko and a red-head standing in a clearing. Neko was dressed in her usual assassin uniform(A/N: kinda hard to’s really weird, but I drew it on friends should know what it looks like. Just know that it’s totally black, with the occasional silver) and had unsheathed her weapon, ready for battle.

“I see you are not alone.” The red-head with amber eyes commented, sensing the ki’s of 2 others.

“Indeed I am not.” Neko narrowed her eyes. “Let’s get this battle going, Battousai.”

Battousai chuckled. “Don’t you want to introduce your friends to me?”

“I will...” Neko replied. “When your body is being buried.”

Battousai raised his eyebrows. “Well, well, well. You sure are confident.”

“Shut up and let’s get this started.”

“As you wish.” Battousai unsheathed his katana.

“Wait, Neko!” Naomi cried, jumping down. Her eyes were back to normal.

“Move if you want to live.” Battousai shouted.

Naomi glared at him. “Screw you!” She shouted back. Turning back to Neko, she sighed. “The boss only wants us to FIND the three people, not kill them...not yet, at least.”

Neko glared at her. “I am going to do this MY way!” She seethed.

“She’s right, Neko.” Phoenix walked up behind them, also dressed in her battle uniform(red ninja outfit, normal looking ninja outfit). Her mask was pulled up, leaving only her eyes exposed.

Neko sighed. “Fine.” She muttered. Looking at Battousai with her ink-black eyes, she sheathed her sword. “We’ll finish this when Myishi gives me the order to kill you.”

Naomi and Phoenix gasped. Myishi’s #1 rule was to never – under ANY circumstances – reveal his name to the enemy.

Neko’s eyes narrowed at their gasps. “That’s right. I broke the #1 rule. Ooh! I’m so scared of Myishi.” She scoffed. “He’s nothing but a weakling that must depend on other people to do the killing for him.”

Naomi and Phoenix lowered their heads.

“Let’s go.” Neko disappeared in a blur. Phoenix, now a flame-colored bird, was close behind her.

Naomi sighed, sheathing her ninja sword(at her right shoulder). Taking one last curious glance at Battousai, she jumped up into a tree and started following her friends. Little did she know that Battousai was close behind her.

Neko suddenly stopped, her hand resting on the hilt of her sword. “Phoenix.” She stopped her friend.

Phoenix landed next to Neko, returning to her normal human form. She glanced at her friend, whose eyes were narrowed to little black slits. She sniffed. “That mortal again!”

Neko nodded. “He’s following Naomi.”

Phoenix’s grey eyes widened, her fear apparent. “Naomi? We have to go warn her!”

Neko shook her head. “He’s too close to her. If we try, then he will know about it.”

“Then what are we supposed to do?” Phoenix asked.

Neko jumped up into a nearby tree. “Wait for him.”

Phoenix sighed. “At least Naomi’s wearing her assassin uniform(A/N: anyone play the videogame ‘Nightshade’ for PS2? That’s basically what Naomi’s uniform looks like, only it’s green and she’s wearing the mask so that only her eyes are exposed...oh, and her waist-length chestnut hair is pulled up into a bun under the little hat-like thingy so her enemies won’t be able to tell if she’s a guy or girl unless she if you haven’t played the videogame ‘Nightshade’ for PS2 only, then you can just check out my profile, follow the link in the July 25, 2004 entry, and you’ll know what Naomi’s uniform looks like sorry if this is long just trying to describe it for you)...”

Neko suddenly stood. “Here they come.”

Phoenix got her sai(A/N: anyone watch ‘Daredevil’? Elektra, or something like that, uses sai as her weapon) ready.

“Hey.” Naomi landed lightly on the ground. “Neko? What are you doing in the tree?” Naomi frowned, looking up.

In a quick second, Naomi found a silver blade pressing against her neck, making it a little hard to breathe, and an arm around her waist, restraining her.

“Wha – “ She got a glimpse of red hair.

“Let her go.” Neko jumped down and unsheathed her sword.

“Or you’ll do what?” Battousai laughed. “I don’t usually kill women or children, but I might if you make one move toward me.”

Neko gritted her teeth.

Phoenix gasped. “No!” She started running toward Battousai.

“Idiot!” Neko reversed her sword so it wasn’t on the sharp side. She ran after Phoenix and hit her on the back of the neck with her sword.

Phoenix collapsed on the ground with a groan before she lost consciousness.

I lost my mind after the first author's note, and tore my eyes out after all that bad Battousai characterization; I don't know about anyone else.

Edit: the Suethor has deleted my review of her story, unable to take the heat. Interestingly enough, it is no longer showing up on her profile. However, her you!Sue story was deleted thanks to yours truly reporting it. She has panicked in her author's biography and apparently has no idea what happened. Oh, I do enjoy life as a bitch sometimes.
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