Irvy, called Taokaka (duokinneas) wrote in rurounisues,
Irvy, called Taokaka

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Someone please tell me that I can report this for a violation. It burns...

Story Or Series Title: Life As An Assassin. Points for spelling "assassin" correctly. Points taken away again for capitalizing "as" and "an" in the middle of a title.
Fandom: Rurouni Kenshin
Culprit Author's Name: animefreak973. Excessive use of numbers - in my experience, that is - signifies...let's just say "lesser quality" work. Either that, or simple penname laziness.
Full Name (plus titles if any): We've got more than one! First is Naomi Shinomori, followed by Phoenix Reed, Neko Yukikuro, Myishi - "(I know, I’ve used him before, but I need to use him again cuz I can’t think of other names)" - and Ivan Maysler.
Full Species(es): ... Too many to keep track of here. My brain's this close to exploding.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Ivan's is "golden;" Naomi's is "chestnut brown."
Eye Color (include adjectives): Neko: "emotionless black eyes" and "ink-black eyes;" Naomi: "Her eyes flashed, changing from the dark green color to a dark red color;" Ivan: "hazel."
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Like Naomi's eye color isn't awful enough? Ugh.
Special Possessions (if any): Where to start? Neko has "black boots, where a dagger was hidden," as well as a "usual assassin uniform" described in an author's note; Naomi also has a dagger hidden in her boots, and a uniform described in an even more ridiculous author's note; Phoenix has "her battle uniform(red ninja outfit, normal looking ninja outfit)," sai with an author's note of their own, and "Scorched Blossoms."
Annoying Origin: Naomi supposedly comes from Tokyo. I say that every single one of them is from the bowels of hell.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: They want to kill Kenshin, Aoshi, and Misao, apparently for no reason whatsoever aside from their skills.
Annoying Special Abilities: They're a troop of assassins. What more do you need?
Other Annoying Traits: Phoenix is "2/3 vampire," yet she can turn into - you guessed it - a phoenix. One word: how? Neko is also able to insult her boss constantly and not get in any trouble. But then again, he's a Stu, so it's not like normal rules of behavior apply to him.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story: I'll be nice; I won't force the whole thing down your throats, no matter how awful it is. All formatting and errors are, of course, hers. All background gagging and vomiting noises are mine.

“Well, Tokyo isn’t THAT far, right?” Phoenix asked. “I mean, Ivan is going to be near, right?”
Naomi sighed. “Yes, Phoenix, Ivan is going to be near.” She rolled her eyes. “Why do you worry so much? Whenever you’re in trouble, Ivan ALWAYS saves you.”
“Not ALWAYS.” Phoenix frowned. “Besides, can’t a girl have a favorite bodyguard?”
Naomi chuckled. “Well, he’s not just a FAVORITE, someone happens to have a MAJOR crush on their bodyguard. Hint, hint.” She pointed at Phoenix.
“Hey!” Phoenix was beet red.
“Tokyo is only 2 more miles away.” Neko, who was leading, informed.
“ONLY?!” Phoenix exclaimed. “Neko, 2 miles is a long way, let me remind you, when you are WALKING!”“Hey, majority wins. Too bad for you, Naomi agreed with me.” Neko said breezily.
“Whatever.” Phoenix muttered.
Naomi was looking up at the Sakura trees. They’re so beautiful and so...familiar...
“I smell a mortal’s blood.” Phoenix, who was 2/3 vampire, sniffed. “It smells strange...different.” She changed into a phoenix and flew off to investigate.
Neko lifted her head up. “I sense a very strong warrior’s ki.” She glanced on both sides. There was a sudden blur, and she was gone.
Naomi stopped and sat down on the ground, leaning her back against the tree.
“I’m guessing that we are stopping because Neko has gone off searching.”
Naomi didn’t have to look to know who that was. “Right you are, Ivan.” She sighed. Ivan Maysler was Phoenix’s bodyguard(also her crush). He had golden hair and hazel eyes...a full mortal, just like Naomi.
Ivan sat down next to Naomi, who scooted away a little. “Phoenix is gone, too...” He whispered, leaning into Naomi’s face. All he wanted to do was kiss her...
Naomi, her mouth in a thin line, instantly grabbed the hidden dagger in her boot. “Back off!” She seethed, holding the dagger dangerously close to Ivan’s neck. Her eyes flashed, changing from the dark green color to a dark red color.
Ivan gasped. Naomi was turning into Bloody Maiden, her well-known assassin name(A/N: you know, like Kenshin’s ‘Battousai’). He slowly moved back.
There was a quick breeze, followed by another. Naomi put the dagger back in her boot and stood, pulling her mask up, leaving only her eyes exposed.
Phoenix appeared next to her. “It’s one of the three people we have to find. Neko’s – “
“After him.” Naomi finished for her. “I know.”
Phoenix nodded. She finally noticed Ivan. Her face brightened. “Ivan! What are you doing here?”
Naomi glared at Phoenix. “We have to catch him.” She jumped up into a tree in the forest and jumped from tree to tree, trying to spot any blurs in the air.
After a while of jumping, she finally spotted Neko and a red-head standing in a clearing. Neko was dressed in her usual assassin uniform(A/N: kinda hard to’s really weird, but I drew it on friends should know what it looks like. Just know that it’s totally black, with the occasional silver) and had unsheathed her weapon, ready for battle.

“I see you are not alone.” The red-head with amber eyes commented, sensing the ki’s of 2 others.

“Indeed I am not.” Neko narrowed her eyes. “Let’s get this battle going, Battousai.”

Battousai chuckled. “Don’t you want to introduce your friends to me?”

“I will...” Neko replied. “When your body is being buried.”

Battousai raised his eyebrows. “Well, well, well. You sure are confident.”

“Shut up and let’s get this started.”

“As you wish.” Battousai unsheathed his katana.

“Wait, Neko!” Naomi cried, jumping down. Her eyes were back to normal.

“Move if you want to live.” Battousai shouted.

Naomi glared at him. “Screw you!” She shouted back. Turning back to Neko, she sighed. “The boss only wants us to FIND the three people, not kill them...not yet, at least.”

Neko glared at her. “I am going to do this MY way!” She seethed.

“She’s right, Neko.” Phoenix walked up behind them, also dressed in her battle uniform(red ninja outfit, normal looking ninja outfit). Her mask was pulled up, leaving only her eyes exposed.

Neko sighed. “Fine.” She muttered. Looking at Battousai with her ink-black eyes, she sheathed her sword. “We’ll finish this when Myishi gives me the order to kill you.”

Naomi and Phoenix gasped. Myishi’s #1 rule was to never – under ANY circumstances – reveal his name to the enemy.

Neko’s eyes narrowed at their gasps. “That’s right. I broke the #1 rule. Ooh! I’m so scared of Myishi.” She scoffed. “He’s nothing but a weakling that must depend on other people to do the killing for him.”

Naomi and Phoenix lowered their heads.

“Let’s go.” Neko disappeared in a blur. Phoenix, now a flame-colored bird, was close behind her.

Naomi sighed, sheathing her ninja sword(at her right shoulder). Taking one last curious glance at Battousai, she jumped up into a tree and started following her friends. Little did she know that Battousai was close behind her.

Neko suddenly stopped, her hand resting on the hilt of her sword. “Phoenix.” She stopped her friend.

Phoenix landed next to Neko, returning to her normal human form. She glanced at her friend, whose eyes were narrowed to little black slits. She sniffed. “That mortal again!”

Neko nodded. “He’s following Naomi.”

Phoenix’s grey eyes widened, her fear apparent. “Naomi? We have to go warn her!”

Neko shook her head. “He’s too close to her. If we try, then he will know about it.”

“Then what are we supposed to do?” Phoenix asked.

Neko jumped up into a nearby tree. “Wait for him.”

Phoenix sighed. “At least Naomi’s wearing her assassin uniform(A/N: anyone play the videogame ‘Nightshade’ for PS2? That’s basically what Naomi’s uniform looks like, only it’s green and she’s wearing the mask so that only her eyes are exposed...oh, and her waist-length chestnut hair is pulled up into a bun under the little hat-like thingy so her enemies won’t be able to tell if she’s a guy or girl unless she if you haven’t played the videogame ‘Nightshade’ for PS2 only, then you can just check out my profile, follow the link in the July 25, 2004 entry, and you’ll know what Naomi’s uniform looks like sorry if this is long just trying to describe it for you)...”

Neko suddenly stood. “Here they come.”

Phoenix got her sai(A/N: anyone watch ‘Daredevil’? Elektra, or something like that, uses sai as her weapon) ready.

“Hey.” Naomi landed lightly on the ground. “Neko? What are you doing in the tree?” Naomi frowned, looking up.

In a quick second, Naomi found a silver blade pressing against her neck, making it a little hard to breathe, and an arm around her waist, restraining her.

“Wha – “ She got a glimpse of red hair.

“Let her go.” Neko jumped down and unsheathed her sword.

“Or you’ll do what?” Battousai laughed. “I don’t usually kill women or children, but I might if you make one move toward me.”

Neko gritted her teeth.

Phoenix gasped. “No!” She started running toward Battousai.

“Idiot!” Neko reversed her sword so it wasn’t on the sharp side. She ran after Phoenix and hit her on the back of the neck with her sword.

Phoenix collapsed on the ground with a groan before she lost consciousness.

I lost my mind after the first author's note, and tore my eyes out after all that bad Battousai characterization; I don't know about anyone else.

Edit: the Suethor has deleted my review of her story, unable to take the heat. Interestingly enough, it is no longer showing up on her profile. However, her you!Sue story was deleted thanks to yours truly reporting it. She has panicked in her author's biography and apparently has no idea what happened. Oh, I do enjoy life as a bitch sometimes.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
Phoenix is "2/3 vampire," yet she can turn into - you guessed it - a phoenix. One word: how?

OK this reinforces my rule! No vampires, unless you are writing in a fandom with vampires. (And I mean vampires you can actually see, so Harry Potter does NOT count... and speaking of which anyone who turns someone into a Pheonix has probably been hitting the HP too hard.) And no part vampires, except in Vampire Hunter D I suppose and even then!

(sorry, this sounds like major chutzpah but it's a pet peeve of mine, I'm SICK of vampires and I say that as a Hellsing fan)
/"Her eyes flashed, changing from the dark green color to a dark red color;"/

Christmas time already?

Why do all the Sues either want to kill my poor sweet Kenshin or seduce him?! Get a life and make up your own males to harass!!!
Myishi? If she's trying to be Japanese, she's failing. I double-checked my hiragana chart to be sure, but "myi" doesn't exist in the Japanese language. >_< At least GLANCE at a syllable chart before making up your "Japanese" character's name, Suethor.

Her description = pain. Her bad writing = pain. So many Sues.... And a vampire. Of course. I tried to gently tell this one Fire Emblem 7 Suethor that her character was turning into a Sue. She ignored me and proceeded to write a half-vampire, half-angel Sue in a canon where NEITHER appear. Ever. And still had the gall to insist she ISN'T A SUE, DARN IT!
First: I adore your icon! ^_^

Second, to business: I am bored to tears and homicidal tendencies with strange hybrid Sues. If canon does not include a certain race, it should not be included. And even if canon does include that race, combining it with another is taboo. Suethors, however, believe that this is "creative writing" and "fanfiction," so they can do as they please. The trouble is, I've yet to hear of the Kenshin-gumi meeting up with a vampire. Or a demon, or an angel, or a cat person, or any other bizarre race. Perhaps in this Suethor's book, vampire = stronger. Someone has been reading too much Anne Rice recently.

Ahem. That said, I think the Suethors need to buy Japanese dictionaries, and check them thoroughly before attempting to make up Japanese names or use fangirl language in their "stories."

Sorry for going off like that! -_-6
For vampires, I'm a fan of the 'Vampire: the Masquerade' type. They're weak, they're in constant danger of falling to their darker side, they can be killed in a variety of ways including stake, sunlight, fire (at lower levels, anyway.)

Hmm. They do have a fair deal of angst though. Maybe I should try and keep the Sues away from White Wolf games.


13 years ago


13 years ago

The red-head with amber eyes commented, sensing the ki’s of 2 others.
Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it generally proper to use the same word for singular and plural, like one ninja, two nija, one ki, two ki, one—yeah.

And you say it's baleted (yes, baleted XD), so I can't read it myself (which is a good thing...) but WHY the HECK was "Naomi" named /Shinomori/ Naomi?
Um, any relation to...say...Aoshi? And why would they want to kill her.
If it hurts too much to think about, don't answer! ^_^
Um, any relation to...say...Aoshi? And why would they want to kill her him. My bad.
You're absolutely correct. There are no plurals in Japanese. Of course, we can't expect her to know that. Some perfectly good, talented writers make the same mistake. Of course, theirs are sans apostrophe.

In her profile - yes, I slogged through it and heaven help me - she states that Naomi will "meet up with ppl from her past(the characters of RK)" later in the story. (It doesn't help that the thing is deleted.) I'm guessing this means that yes, she's somehow related to Aoshi, yet for some contrived reason, she wants to kill him. The Suethor will probably say that they had no idea they were related, and that's why "Naomi" wants to kill her own brother/cousin/uncle/father/former roommate.

Deleted comment

The rule states that you must type out any number with two words or less (even though some say that one through nine must be written out, and not beyond that, I stick with the former belief). Basically, any number up to one hundred, and then numbers like one thousand, one million, etcetera. It is especially important to write out the numbers when they modify something (like "two people," or "twenty-year-old"). Measurements don't have to be written out; fractions, however, do. There are quite a lot of extra exceptions and additions, but I won't go into them and waste your time.
"3-1: When numbers occur infrequently, spell out numbers from 1 to 100 and round numbers beyond 100, except for certain exceptions noted below." This includes "year dates, days of the month, page numbers, street address numbers and sometimes the numbers of streets themselves, route numbers, percentages, and similar familiar uses of numbers." Dialogue, you have to pick and choose with (though it's preferable to spell them out), and always spell out the number if it begins a sentence, excluding years. Thank you, The Handbook of Good English. *hugs it*

Also, you could say the same thing about high school fics as vampire fics. Yes, it was cute the first twenty (not 20) times. But when it's come to the point where I have yet to see a fandom without one...something has to be done.


13 years ago

I feel so sorry for Kenshin. I mean, even Enishi would feel sorry for Kenshin. >.> Don't let the fangirls know about Enishi!! Hide him quick!!

^-^ Icon love as well.

Vampire fics are getting tiresome. Hell, I think I used a vampire AU fic for FAKE. ^-^ Kept it yaoi of course and did my best to keep the characters IC. Of course... >.> That's the one and only time I will be doing a vampire fanfiction.
I have the creeping sensation that somehow, somewhere, much sooner than we think, there will be an Enishi Sue to make us all retch. Maybe there is even one lurking out there now. And that sensation frightens me to no end, with good reason. I don't want to think it over much more.

I think most people at least attempt an AU vampire fic at some point in their writing career. I doubt that most who do so post them, and I doubt most insert Sues and Stus into every one of them, but my, does it get old! There have been too many bad versions of the vampire fic to make me say any more than "yecch" every time I see one on a website.

^_^ Thank you! Icon love back to you.


13 years ago

A character named 'Ivan' in a RuroKen fic? OMG!!!!