Irvy, called Taokaka (duokinneas) wrote in rurounisues,
Irvy, called Taokaka
duokinneas
rurounisues

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My first post to this community. Let's hope it's good!

I'm not sure whether anyone has done this one yet (either in marysues or here), but I'm going to do it to get it off my mind. This'll be a long report, so please don't spork your eyes out all at once.

Story Or Series Title: Devotion
Fandom: The rurouni who doesn't need Cartoon Network to spawn Mary Sues for him.
Culprit Author's Name: Angle1. And what do you wanna bet she thought she was spelling "angel?" **snerk** I wouldn't put it past her. After all, she's nineteen years old, and her "writing" is worse than mine was when I was eight.
Full Name (plus titles if any): Tanako. As she puts it, "I-I'm Tanako.just Tanako." (Her grammar, by no means mine...yecch!) Or, as Sano refers to her, "Tanto." Don't ask, whatever you do.
Full Species(es): Bitch, bitch, more bitch. That's putting it nicely.
Hair Color (include adjectives): "midnight." Not midnight black, just midnight. Complete with shiny star and moon accessories. [/cynicism]
Eye Color (include adjectives): "bright green"
Unusual Markings/Colorations: What, you mean the fact that her hair is the same color as a time isn't enough? I'm disturbed enough by the Sue description, including the whole "pale as the moonlight" nonsense.
Special Possessions (if any): Über spiffy throwing knives that she is an expert with, combined with sickeningly perfect beauty that makes everyone - even Kenshin! - want her. Plus a wacky outfit that no decent woman should wear.
Annoying Origin: Hell.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: She and Sano apparently know each other from when she was in a gang. That, and she befriends everyone disgustingly quickly, no questions asked.
Annoying Special Abilities: Turns Kaoru into a bitch. Oh, never mind. It's "Karou," whom we've never heard of before. She also gets Kenshin to drool over her and her mad fighting skillz.
Other Annoying Traits: The aforementioned "towtally kewl" fighting skills, being able to move so fast that supposedly even Kenshin can't follow her, being a wanderer (and saying it in a suspiciously similar way to Kenshin...), gets "Karou" hurt - then uses it as an excuse to bash on her all the more.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story: I am in pain after just the prologue, but I was masochistic, so I read a little farther. However, since there are twenty-three chapters of this drivel to look forward to, I didn't want to deal with that much Sueage. **studies that** Hmm, rhymes with "sewage." Anyway... Long cuts here; I couldn't quite resist. -_-6

These seem to be staples of Sueishness. Tragedy? Check. Angst? Check. Bad spelling and pseudo-Japanese names? Check. Death (but never the Sue's death, lest we be relieved of her evils)? Check. Terrible grammar and spelling? Check! Makes me include overly large chunks of the story? Regrettably, check!

Devotion

By

Melissa aka Angle1 ^_^x The bitch is using one of my favorite smileys, too! **seethes**

Prologue:

4 years before the fall of the Tokugawa Era. It's so hard to write out "four."

Tanako crouched behind the shoji screen and stayed as silent as she could, as she watched her parents in the next room. The only visible part of her was her bright green eyes and her midnight hair. The young child had been awoken by the sound of men arguing and knew that gang members had come to visit with her father. Tanako had slipped out of her room and was now spying on her parents and the men. They where standing in the doorway, all wearing the same pale yellow gi. Tanako was only a young child but she could feel the massive amount of danger in the air, and she knew that she was being foolish for spying.

Yet despite the danger, Tanako gazed proudly at her father as he shielded her mother with his body, with one hand griping the hilt of his sword. " What is the meaning of this?" her father roared to the men, his eyes darting around the room to see every threat that was there. Tanako's mother smothered a gasp when she spotted the child peeking out behind the paper screen. Her mother prayed that she would not be seen. Love the quote formatting, not to mention the lovely clichés running rampant.

" Now, now Washi; is this any way to great old friends." Came an all too familiar voice from outside. Tanako frowned when she saw Sasorie step into the house. The child never did like the tone of voice he used with her father, but she was always polite to him, just as her mother had taught her to be. Plus, the man had always been respectful with her.yet the young girl knew that the young man was not the type of person you turned you back to.

"Sasorie," her father scowled, the grip on his sword tightened." Why do you barge into my home so late in the evening, and so dishonorably?" It wouldn't be dishonor if he'd just kill the Sue!

" Dishonorably?" Sasorie said as he motioned for his men to surround the couple. " I would believe that you, Washi, would know of dishonor better than I." He said with a smile and a evil light in his eyes.

Washi eyed the gang members and pulled his wife behind him." What do you mean by that?" This man does not understand meanings of anything, does he? God, and I thought the Sue was an idiot... Look at her poor parents!

Sasorie brushed away a lock of his white hair that had fallen from his warrior's ponytail, {Hair tie whatever you want to call it} apparently bored with the situation already. " For a man who was once a Samurai to go back on his word, well. that is what I would call dishonor." Ooh, author's notes mid-chapter! Love the finesse. You know you're a good writer when you can interrupt your shitty story just to bring us meaningless details.

Washi turned abruptly to face Sasorie, " I have not gone back on my word. I promised that I would repay you, and I will." His gaze returned to the solemn looking gang members around them.

"Washi.you came to me almost six years ago, asking for a loan.and I happily gave the money to you, trusting that you would repay me. Yet you have not. You have made a reasonably nice life for yourself.your own home, you have a family.and a business that takes care of you. I would have thought that I would see at least a substantial amount of you dept paid off. "

" My wife was with child," Washi argued, his eyes dancing around the room to each of the gang members. " I could not be a samurai and raise a family. If I had died, my family would be left alone. I needed the money until I got another job, and now that I have one I can begin to repay you faster than I have before. I know payments have been slow, but I will repay you." Does no Suethor understand what it means to be samurai? Not just "a" samurai, either; I mean true samurai. Oh, the horrors of this fandom...

Sasorie walked within swords distance of Washi, causing his wife to whimper and grip the back of Washi's gi. " You see that is my problem. It has been much to long between payments, and waiting on you seems to cost me more than you owe. Anyway I'm tired of waiting." He paused and looked at Washi's cowering wife, his yellow eyes narrowing as a idea came to him. " I will release you of your dept.by killing your family as payment." At his cue the gang members surrounding them drew their swords. Washi swiftly unsheathed his, and faced the gang.

Tanako saw her mother glance her way, and saw that Sasorie noticed. Tanako turned away from the opening to keep from being seen, and prayed for the lives of her parents.

" Toshiki-kun!" Sasorie called, Tanako heard someone walk into the room, but the girl refused to look and give her self away. Suddenly the ring of swords filled the air and the sounds of a struggle. " WASHI!" her mother screamed and then all became silent, Tanako knew that she should run and hide, but the sudden sound of her father howling in agony bolted her to the floor.

Then, quite suddenly, the screen door slid open and Tanako fell back. Looking up she saw standing before her, a boy of eight, maybe nine. He stared silently at her with piercing ice blue eyes, and he had impossibly straight chocolate brown hair tied up in a warrior's ponytail, and was wearing the same pale yellow gi as the other gang members. The boy grabbed Tanako by her kimono, lifted her to her feet and dragged her into the room. She gasped when she walked past her mother; she was lying on the floor, her eyes wide and empty, a pool of blood was slowly growing around her.

She saw her father; he was backed into a corner, his long black hair freed from its tie and was draped wildly across his face. He panted for breath and was standing in a stance of attack. His eyes where almost red with anger and he glared out at them with a look that Tanako had never seen before. One gang member lay dead on the floor before him, the others where in a half circle around him .

Tanako was brought up to Sasorie, who had watched the whole thing with a smile on his face. " Thank you Toshiki-kun," he said. The boy let go of Tanako and took a step back, resting his hand on the hilt of his short sword. Sasorie looked down at the tiny girl and Tanako kept her eyes downcast, respectfully. " Tanako-chan, it's lovely to see you." He said smoothly reaching down for her.

" Sasorie.don't you touch my child." Washi growled from the corner, his voice deep and low and frightening to Tanako. Kill her! Kill her! **ahem**

Sasorie ignored him, " Almost six years old aren't you?" he lifted Tanako's chin so she could look him in the eye. She nodded silently, her green eyes growing large in fright. "Growing up so fast, I remember the day you were born, you were a tiny little thing." He paused and looked over at the screen door she was hiding behind. " Have you been hiding behind that screen the whole time we've been here?" Tanako again silently nodded. "Wonderful, for a child of your age to be so silent and stealthy. Shame your mother gave you away, you were perfect, it was your mother's weakness that got you caught." He unsheathed a dagger from his belt, crouched down, and took hold of Tanako by the shoulder. " It would be a shame to waste a child with potential and a skill as great as yours." Sasorie turned to her father, another smile playing across his lips. " I'll tell you what Washi, I'll kill you instead, and your daughter will live. She will stay with the Onozawa gang, and be taught how to work for me." As long as the Onozawa gang isn't involved with the plot of RK, that's fine with us, ne?

" NO!" her father cried, taking a step forward, but was forced back by half a dozen sword points.

" You want her to die then?" Sasorie asked as he raised the dagger to Tanako's throat. Yes!

"NO!.no don't kill her.," Tanako watched in amazement as her former samurai father sheathed his sword and surrendered. ".Kill me instead.but you must swear to take care of her."

" You have my word." Sasorie said as he sheathed his dagger and gave the signal. Half a dozen gang members gladly attacked the samurai, sending his blood in all directions, and sealing the fate of his daughter. Tanako could do nothing but stare, her young mind seemed to not want to process what she was seeing. " Come Tanako-chan, the Onozawa gang, Toshiki-kun, and I, will teach you how to live a much more prosperous and longer life than your parents. NOOOOO!

" Yes Sasorie-san" Tanako whispered. Toshiki led Tanako out of the house and into her new life, forgetting her family name and entering a new one. Awfully docile for just having her parents killed in front of her, y'think?


*****

The second and last cut, I swear. It's a little shorter, I think, but it comes complete with stupidity, useless descriptions, and more twagic past information than anyone needed or cared about.

" Hello Missy." Sano said as he stepped into the room, he noticed Kaoru's hurt ankle right away. " Whatcha do to yourself?" Karou yet again broke out into the story about the fight, this time telling the story so fast that the ex-gangster had trouble keeping up with it. " Whoa slow down a bit. Who did you bring back here?" You don't want to know, Sano. Leave while you still can, before she brainwashes you.

Nervously Tanako spoke up, " Me.. She brought me."

Sano turned at the voice and froze just like she had when she first saw him. Tanako knew that he knew who she was. Kenshin looked back and forth between the two. It was obvious that the two recognized each other. Damn interfering Sues. Stop screwing with Sano's mind.

" I'm Tanako." she said as she stepped up to the much taller teenager.
" Sanosuke Sagara." Was all he said back, as he shoved his hands into his pockets.

Tanako walked up to him to get a better look at him. She knew his face, but the name did not stick well. She knew him by a different name. She circled him a little, but it wasn't till she spotted the "bad" symbol on his back did she remember who he was. " Zanza!!" She shouted, snapping her fingers. That's who you are, you're the fighter-for-hire, you went by the name Zanza." Fuck. Off. Now.

" I go by Sanosuke now.Sano to my friends." he said "Of whom you are not one," he added, and blew the Sue into oblivion with his Futae no Kiwami!

" Hey who did you know Sano's old name?" Yahiko asked. She watched the series and decided to destroy it, kid. That's how.

"Yahiko." Karou hissed. " Children should be seen, not heard."

Sano only shrugged and answered for her. " She's seen me around." Tanako and Kenshin placed bowls of vegetables and rice on the table. Sano sat but didn't make a move to inhale everything he could reach. Yahiko and Karou gaped at this; something must be bothering the young man. " I've seen you around too, but you didn't go by the name of Tanako." he said as he got comfortable at the table. " But at the moment I can't remember anything about you."

Tanako froze; she had no idea what to say to that. She wanted to tell everyone about her past, who she was. But she didn't feel that it was safe for them to know. She was only going to stay a few days, and she knew that Kenshin suspected something. Yes. He suspected her true Sueness, and he would have gladly kicked her ass if he were in his right mind.

Kenshin noticed that Tanako was in a fix, and lost for words. He decided to change the subject for the moment; he was in no hurry to find out about Tanako just yet. " Here Tanako, let me take your cloak, it is much to warn in here for you to be wearing it, that it is." Tanako nodded silently, and unpinned the silver dragon clasp at her throat. Kenshin took hold of the cloak and removed it. There was a collective gasp from the three and Kenshin looked to see what caused the reaction and almost gasped himself. Because it seemed that inside the cloak, there was the Suethor, holding a puppet for a head. She leapt out at him and cried, "I got into the Kenshin-verse!" Needless to say, she was promptly killed, and order was restored to the Meiji. Not to mention the galaxy.

Tanako was wearing a pale yellow gi with tight form fitting sleeves, and pale yellow hakama pants. But that was not what caused the reaction from the room. What did was the thick rope of midnight black hair that reached almost the back of her knees. The braid was a sight; Tanako had it hidden in the cloak so no one would notice it.

" Gosh, and I thought my hair was breathtaking. I wonder what it looks like down." Karou said.
" There's so much of it! How do you move, it must be very heavy." Yahiko added. All the attention caused Tanako to blush at she turned to retrieve the rest of the food for the tale. I told you she was a puppet, didn't I? The hair is fake! **frothing at mouth**

" It sure is impressive." Kenshin said as he left to put away the cloak. It was heaver then it looked and hung strangely. Kenshin knew that it must be loaded with daggers and other weapons. All the better to take from her and kill her with in her sleep.

Upon seeing the obvious uniform that Tanako was wearing, Sano dove deep into his memory. He knew that uniform. Tanako sat between Sano and Karou, her braid coiling behind her. Kenshin sat between Karou and Yahiko, everyone picked up their bowls and started to eat.all but Sano that is, he was still thinking.

" Tanako." He said softly to himself. Tanako paused and looked at him. " Tanako.Tanako."

" Sano will you stop that and eat!" Karou scolded. " You're making her very nervous."

" Tanako....TANTO!!!" Sano shouted so suddenly that Kenshin jumped and almost dropped his bowl of rice on Karou's already ruined kimono. " That's the name I know you by.Tanto." Now that he finally figured it out Sano dived for the bowl in front of him and ate as fast as he could. **snigger** Nice nickname, sweetie? Didja come up with that one all by yourself?

" Tanto?.as in dagger? Why are you called that?" Yahiko asked as he tried to keep up with Sano.

" Yahiko!! Don't ask questions!' Karou shouted as she too hurried to keep up with the boys.

" She's known as Tanto because of her awesome knife and dagger skills. I remember that uniform.you belong to the Onozawa gang. You brought in a hard-core gang member into you home Missy." he said to Karou as he reached for another bowl. You forgot to mention her awesome ability to make you sound like a redundant fool. Even Saitou would be shocked at this display of stupidity, and he knows better than anyone that Sano's no genius.

Kenshin's head snapped up and he almost shouted Ah-ha!! A gang member, that's why she has such a strong fighting spirit, that's why he felt drawn to help her. Almost. Then the drugs wore off.

Tanako bowed her head in shame; her secret was out and she knew there was no use in hiding it now. " Yes.I'm a member of the Onozawa gang.ex member. ..I was running away. I got tired of the killing and the life that was leading me nowhere.Someone gave me the chance to get away so I took it.and ran"

" Who?" Yahiko asked, as he set his empty bowl on the table. He was silenced by a hand on the shoulder.

" You should not pry Yahiko, that you shouldn't." Kenshin said gently. Yahiko muttered an apology and took up another bowl, but he only looked at the vegetables resting inside.

" You're running from a past you are not proud of." Kenshin added, " and you left in a hurry.or you would not have left wearing the uniform that would give you away.. isn't that right Tanako-dono?" Tanako nodded, keeping her eyes on her hands in her lap.

" What I don't understand is, how long where you going to keep your past a secret to us if I didn't figure it out." Sano said sternly and he set his second empty bowl down on the table.

Tanako looked up at the young man. " I wasn't going to use them!. I was only going to stay a day or to until I got oriented. I thought.I thought that you shouldn't tell you.if you didn't need to know." She turned to Karou. " I wouldn't use you like that Karou..I just had nowhere else to go..no friends that I could turn too." her voice ended in a whisper and Tanako bowed her head. Boo hoo, oh teh angst! Geez, get over it already! I'm tired of Sues angsting and crying over little things like their supposedly painful memories.


There you have it, folks. I tried to be funny. Let's hope it was mildly entertaining. I apologize for all lame jokes and stupid comments. But I apologize more for all the long cuts I subjected you to.
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  • 3 comments
yes, because y'know, people born into the samurai class were TOTALLY allowed to get other jobs. I mean, it's not like the shogunate had any LAWS governing the rigidness of the class structure. oh god no. you just sell your samurai sword and BOOM you're a merchant!

::smacks own head against wall::

please. please. please. please. if you are going to write a period piece? FUCKING DO A LITTLE STUDYING BEFOREHAND. RESEARCH your topic. I don't know why this, of all things, is such a complicated topic for even non-sue authors.
::sneers at the Sue::

Sorry, but anyone who turns Kaoru into a bitch and makes Kenshin a snivelling idiot deserves nothing more than spittle. Feh.

Deleted comment

We already have one odd, genki girl in the series, and she's perfect the way she is! No more Mary Sues who are Misao wannabes!

Amen!